


Even In Death

by Wish_On_A_Wing



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Catharsis, Dreams, M/M, Song Lyrics, sort of, spoilers if you haven't finished the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 11:59:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2850095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wish_On_A_Wing/pseuds/Wish_On_A_Wing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Even in death our love goes on"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even In Death

**Author's Note:**

> First, this was written right after the show ended, so it's basically just my catharsis to the heartbreak. Sorry if it's too generic, I just sort of spilled all my feels out. I decided to post it for the two-year anniversary of the ending of Merlin.
> 
> The title, as well as the lyrics in this work, are taken from the song "Even in Death" by Evanescence.
> 
> Thanks a buch to my beta, [teaandsunflower](http://teaandsunflower.tumblr.com/) for all the help and generally for being so awesome. Love ya.

_"Give me a reason to believe that you're gone…"_

… I dream of you. I dream of you everywhere and all the time. Last night I had _that_ dream again. I've had this one countless times now. In my dream I am walking through the forest on my own. My body is wary and aching, as if it had been days and days since it's had any rest, though how long I've been walking, I cannot tell. It is just before dusk. The sky is painted with light shades of orange and purple that slowly melt into a blue, but the forest is dark with the long, longing, lonely shadows of the trees. The air is crisp and cool with an aroma of pines and rain to it, and just a slight hint of fire, too. Although it has been a long time since the earth has coated itself with a blanket of snow, in my dream it is fall. The ground is covered by a magnificent ocean of leafs in all shades and colors. I think fall was your favorite season, was it not? You never said so, and somehow I never asked you, but I could feel it. I could see it in the way you would stand still by the window for just a few seconds more than usual; I could hear it in the deep breath you would take when you walked outside, when the earth produced an aroma of wetness and morning dew; I could sense it in your thirst to go on patrol or go hunting with the other knights, even though the ground was wet and covered with leaves and there was no way to trace anything.

 

_"I see your shadow, so I know they're all wrong…"_  
  
…I take a turn and there you are. I know I'll see you there a split second before you come to sight, by the ruffle of dry leafs that tells me something's ahead, by the hairs that rise on the back of my neck. You're sitting on the ground with your back against a tree trunk, with that "Merlin-stop-being-an-idiot" smile on your face. Your eyes twinkle with light and amusement and I can see you want to mock me in some way for the look on my face, but I cannot help it. It's hard to even breathe. It is as though all the air has been shocked out of me. You're here and it's euphoria and astonishment and intoxication and sheer torture all at the same time. Watching you there is like looking at the lake as it catches the light of the sun – it is burning pain underneath the surface, but it's so marvelous, so wondrous, that I cannot bring myself to look away.

 

_"I will stay forever here with you…"_

…I sit by your side, inches between us. I turn my head so sharply it should hurt, but I pay no attention to it. I look at you, never taking my eyes off. It is at that moment that I know for sure, without doubt, that I'm dreaming. But I don’t wake up, not yet. I want so much to reach out, my fingers itch with the desire to come close, but somehow I simply know that it's not possible, that the smallest of touches will leave me alone and in pieces. So instead, I start talking, and you start talking back, and it's so natural and easy, even though the actual words are always lost to me when I wake up, and I remain with just the faint hint of conversation in my mind. It's all I could ask for and everything that's tearing me apart from the inside at the same time. Through the dream, I try to will you to stay there with me for just a bit longer than I could in all the times before. Your eyes do not leave mine for a moment, piercing into my soul, and I drown in their blue as you talk, as I talk back even when I don’t know what I'm saying, when I'm just trying to stop the silence from consuming me alive. I do not know when exactly you fade away completely, when is the precise moment that I am left with nothing but the sound of my thoughts. But even long after I've noticed I do not leave. Because even now that you're gone, I am still with you.

 

_"…People die, but real love is forever."_

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to visit me on Tumblr: [wish-on-a-wing](http://wish-on-a-wing.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Hope you liked it!


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